WTF lingo is spoken in England?

The following incomprehensible posting appeared recently

Semantically it reads like it might be English... and yet
the meaning comes across as total gibberish. Would someone
care to render this into the Queen's Anglo-Saxon?

My best translation would be:

"If you want a swaggering rooster to assault the Morris Motor Company
then spray paint the hood of one of their 1961 cars many times, drill
three holes in it and place the whole car on a demolition conveyor."

SQ

 

shut up you mong.

 

TO annoy them or does sweller have some beastly nasty cuts and such?
Mind you I see nothing wrong with placing ANY car in a banger if it's
done and "there's no hope of fixing it...put 'er in an' 'ope for the
best eh?"

 

That I suspected. 8^) You've always been SO fond of him, in a
brotherly way of course.