Twatty's insurers: they've coughed up

Got the cheque today.

That's sorted that, then. Effectively five weeks from the date of the
crunch, which I reckon is a pretty fast result. There again, they must
have known I was making a ecent offer and they didn't have a leg to
stand on.

Now, to draft a nice little letter to Twatty and his Dad. Oh yes, Plod
gave me his real address )

 

Can i write that?

--


Nige,

BMW K1200S (for sale)
Range Rover Vogue
Suzuki GSX-R600 Racebike (for sale)
Honda ST1100 Pan European

 

Dear Mr Wolstenholme,

Re: You son James and his driving skills.

He's crap and you know it. So are you.

Love

Lieutenant-Colonel Tog (Mrs).

 

Oh, please do, but post it here first.

 

This is better than Coro-fucking-nation Street [1]

[1] In the Nigest possible way.


--
Beav

VN 750
Zed 1000
OMF# 19

 

Heh.

 

lol

--


Nige,

BMW K1200S (for sale)
Range Rover Vogue
Suzuki GSX-R600 Racebike (for sale)
Honda ST1100 Pan European

 

They flatly refused to give me details of the sods who mugged my
youngest years ago.

 

LOL

And a new ukrm meme is born.

 

Dear Sir, it is with regret i must inform you of the untimely demise of your
son. Fear not, for he was a man of true courage & gave his life for the
better of mankind. Now if you don't cough up for his fuckups, i'll be round
to gut you like a fucking fish you shivering slice of Robert Pestons shitty
arsescrapings, you fucking felching cumblister.

Just in case you misunderstand me, gimme the fucking money, ****.

Do i win £5?

 

Utterly superb. A Google Whack too!

 

And here it is:

Dear XXX,

This letter is addressed, as you can see, to your real and functional
address rather than the empty house to which you referred me. And no,
this address was supplied to me neither by you nor by your insurance
company. How I obtained it is left as an exercise for you to determine,
perhaps as you might have wondered how I was able to discover so swiftly
that the address you gave resolved to an empty house, registered to a
Ms. O'Brien. It is quite amazing what one can find, given sufficient
motivation.

I also attach a photocopy of the address and telephone details you gave
me, and which is the possession of the police, and will be sent to your
insurers, to prove that the phone number you supplied was invalid. This
invalidity has been confirmed by the police. But this is a separate
issue.

Anyway, I am pleased to say that your insurance company has today sent
me a cheque for the sum I demanded for the damage to my motorcycle.
Because I wanted a swift end to this debacle, I said that I would settle
instantly for £400, which was the sum I initially offered you as a
private settlement.

Your insurer's engineer, who inspected my motorcycle, was surprised at
my offer and said that it was incredibly reasonable and that he would
recommend that Provident Insurance 'ripped my arm off' to take it.
Provident evidently agreed with him, because I have never heard of a
third-party claim being settled so quickly.

It's a shame that you (perhaps advised by your father, who has not
exactly excelled in his role as self-appointed intermediary) chose to
ignore my offer, made twice, of a private settlement, because (as I
warned you) it now leaves you, or whoever pays for your car insurance,
with a nasty black mark on their record which will result in higher
premiums. I'd guess that this will amount to well over £400 over the
next three years. Still, we live and learn.

And, on that note, I was contacted by the police, who told me that you
are aged just 17 and had only recently passed your test. We had a long
chat, and I said that in view of your youth, I agreed with them that
prosecution of you for the various traffic offences you committed (and
the police were adamant that you had committed them, just as they agreed
with my assessment of the road traffic laws and disagreed vehemently
with your father's interpretation of them) was probably a harsh and
unnecessary introduction to the world of motoring, and that I was quite
happy for them to drop any prosecution as long as I was reimbursed for
the repairs to my motorcycle.

We all do bloody silly things as kids. I know I did. And we both agreed
that as your insurance company was playing ball, we'd let the matter
rest there. They may still want to advise you about the law relating to
provision of personal details in the event of an accident, mind you.

So there we go. It's all over remarkably quickly, barring the long-term
financial implications for your insurance. And your new licence remains
clean. Now please take care, because I was very lucky not to be injured.
Had I been, this event would have had vastly more serious consequences
for you.

Yours sincerely,

PS: Your father is an idiot.

 

The Older Gentleman wrote:

SNIP!

Call youself a journo? get a grip, there should have been solacious gossip
about his mother been a fucking whore, that he had four kids at fourteen &
that he sells crack to meth addicts.

Keep up the tradition ffs

 

(The Older Gentleman) gurgled happily,
sounding much like they were saying:

Five, innit?

 

Can you spel suttlety, Nige?

 

No, but i can fart a door down

 

This is the icing on the cake!

Mind you, what 17 year-old doesn't already know that his father is an
idiot?

 

'fraid not. It breaks the rules for a proper googlewhack, as dave gorman
told us on his googlewhack adventure. Both words have to be in
dictionary.com (and appear underlined in google if they match).

Also, in that one link that came up, cum blister was two words.
--
| |What to do if you find yourself stuck in a crack|
| |in the ground beneath a giant boulder, which you|
| |can't move, with no hope of rescue. |
| Andrew Halliwell BSc |Consider how lucky you are that life has been |
| in |good to you so far... |
| Computer Science | -The BOOK, Hitch-hiker's guide to the galaxy.|

 

The Older Gentleman posted:

SNIP eloquent, if not somewhat over-verbose put-down, which I (for
reasons I can't explain) read in the voice of Stephen Fry...

I like it.

However, you do realise most of it will go completely over his head,
don't you? The chances of this individual having reading and
comprehension skills in excess of those of an average 10 year old are
poor at best.

Still, nicely done.