The effects of chocolate

The nutrional information on the tin is just about identical to the more
expensive stuff. Plus I hate my cats and wish they were dead.

 

I was amazed to find, when I worked for Pura (veggie oils folk) that
the board of directors and senior managers used to taste all the oil
produced.

A sample of each batch of oil, vegetable lard and margarine was saved
and tasted by them all... From a pint glass each. They'd hold it up to
the light, swill it round like a fine brandy and swig a big mouthful...

I think I'd prefer the catfood.

 

Not true. The following lecture is a summary of the polite rant the
veterinary nurse wife has to deliver to terminally fucking stupid[1] dog
owners on an annoying regular basis:


Chocolate contains Theobromine, which is in the same family (Xanthines) as
caffine. Humans can break down Xanthines far more efficiently than dogs can,
so the toxic symptoms very rarely present themselves.

The half life of Xanthines in a human is a matter of an hour or two (think
of the "sugar rush" effects), whereas it is 17.5 hours for a dog, with some
nasty symptoms[2].

Doggy chocs have the theobromine component removed, so they are ok,
especially if you like your dog to be a fat ****.


[1] "Well, he liked it, so I gave him the whole 400g bar."
<later>
"What do you mean, "£250 treatment bill?"

[2] Observational evidence taken from our whippet, which stuffed a box of
Roses that it nicked from inside two zipped up bags...

15 minutes after discovering dog on bed with a destroyed box of chocolates
and that, "what?" look on his face - Dog is dragged the 10 yards downstairs
to the vet surgery, where some back of a fag packet calculations conclude
he's had about 40% of the toxic dose. However, as they were roses and not
solid chocolate, it could potentially be even less than this. Vet advises
close observation for next 12 hours.

30 minutes - Dog drinks *entire* water bowl in two minutes flat.

45 minutes - Dog enters, "Turbo Nutter Bastard Mode". If you have ever owned
a whippet or a greyhound, try to imagine what they are like when they
haven't been walked for, say, a week. Then give it a can of Red Bull. This
in no way adequately describes the whirling dervish of destruction spinning
around the flat. Dog physically can *not* keep still. At one point he chases
his own tale until he becomes so dizzy that he falls over. At this point, he
begins "rowing" along the carpet using just his left legs and teeth...

1 hr 15 - I have moved everything of possible value either on top of the
wardrobe or into the bedroom, and shut the door.

1 hr 30 - I take dog out on the Flexi-lead to try and burn off some energy.
After dog manages to do an impression of an Imperial AT-AT with grappling
cable around its legs, I untie him and carry him back indoors.

5 hrs - Dog has most *astounding* attack of the shits, complete with lovely
gurgling and burbling noises. Am forced to hose down patio, as there is
physically nothing to pick up...

6 hrs - Dog begins retching - After 10 minutes in the garden, he gives up,
walks back into the kitchen and proceeds to piss all over the floor.
Bastard.

8 hrs - Dog goes out for another attack of the shits. At this point it
becomes clear that he was particularly fond of the hazel in caramel, and
Toffee Creme, as I find the wrappers protruding from the mess...

14 hrs - Dog finally goes to sleep, and wakes up 12 hours later with (I
suspect) the doggie equivalent of an amphetimine comedown.

 

Nope, it's absolutely fine, as long as they always have lots of fresh water
available.

 

Bear says...

I ate pretty much the same thing[1][3] every night for 2 years and still
wasn't bored with it.

[1] Number 39[2] in the local chinky menu.
[2] Sliced beef with spring onions and ginger with a protion of special
fried rice
[3] Elly had never seen so many emptied and washed chinky cartons in one
kitchen cupboard before.

 

I bet that kept the buggers regular!

 

Sentimental old git...
--
O
1 Black, shortly to undergo extensive surgery.
1 Red, undergoing lightweight surgery. -----
1 Blue, for Power-Ranger baiting. | o |
Numbers ... | o |
Stuff ... | ooo |
Life ... -----

 

I'd never get bored of a tomato omelette.

 

It would have made sure I rang in sick on board meeting day.

 

That'll be why then.

 

No, no. Ace just blocks the mechanism that allows the pain in your
backside to subside.

 

Sounds like the same mechanism that causes my migraines..

<Waves sumatriptan[1]>

Phil.

[1] Blocks the mechanism that dilates the blood vessels I think - Ace?

 

Yes.

The main problem was high taurine levels - with male cats (especially
elderly male cats) it would tend to lead to the formation of crystals
in the bladder which would mean the urinary tract would get blocked.
Which is usually fairly fatal in an unpleasant sort of way.

Modern cat bisquits don't have the problem - we feed our 3 (all 14+ in
age) on a mixture of IAMs senior dry food and Whiskas senior pouches.

Phil

 

It's called meat..

(And no - the "whiskas has addictive substances" bit is an urban myth)

Phil

 

Sounds like Des' "Scottie in bike tank-bag idea"..

Phil

 

Our tom cat used to sleep on the apex of the neighbours garage roof.
Given his general lack of brains I'm amazed that he never fell off. The
roof was 2/3 of the height of the house and had a sharply pitched roof.
Mind you - he used to catch birds up there (I saw him catch one that
was trying to dive-bomb him - the first and only time he ever ate a
house-martin..)

Phil

 

Tri-colour Tortoiseshell. As opposed to Calico (which is a tortie with
large patches of white)

Phil.

 

Depends on the cat.. all three of ours drink it with no problems at
all. In fact Bubba (aka The Blob) is addicted to the stuff. But then
she started life as a farm cat and the only food they were provided was
a big tub of milk evey morning. If they wanted meat they had to catch
it themselves.

Whiskas cat milk. Bubba would crawl over broken glass (or even fight
off a determined Staffie cross) for that stuff. But it has lots and
lots of calories in it so she is strictly rationed[1].

Phil.

[1] There is a reason for the nickname..

 

The teeth on ours got much much cleaner when we switched them to dry
food..

Phil

 

It's the theobromine[1] in the chocolate that does them in (cats too) -
they can't metabolise it like we can.

Which is why doggie-chocolate doesn't taste like real chocolate or give
the stimulant effect of chocolate.

Tea and coffee also contain theobromines.

Phil

[1] A distant relative of caffeine I think