Stiff upper lip loosened

My name is Seamus Padraig O'Caoindealbhain. I have variously
held the positions of Court Jester, Town Fool and Village Idiot.
I come (ancestrally) from Ireland, a small, mossy-green rock
somewhere off the Atlantic coast of Europe.

The following is a total cart load of Blarney.

Your beloved ones, next of kin, could potentially become victims
of massive mind control experiments. And not through some mysterious
radiation that can be shielded only by tin foil hats, but simply
by going to school.

And learning a new language.

The English did both of the above to us in Ireland throughout
the 19th century. They didn't have to use microwaves. All they had
to do was simply send teachers over to thrust the English language
upon us, in a bid to wipe out our ancient Gaelic speech.

Learning a new language is not simply a matter of learning new words.
It's also adapting a new way of thinking, feeling, perceptions
and attitudes.

Teachers can easily exercise mind control over young minds,
by punishing "wrong" thoughts and rewarding "right" ones.
For a glimpse of how this was done in Ireland, see film
_The Secret of Roan Inish_ (1994).

The English way of thinking is very mechanical. That's why
the Industrial Revolution started in England. They love machines.

However, they also don't manage emotions well; they believe in
keeping a "stiff upper lip". Whereas "The Celtic genius, sentiment
as its main basis, with love of beauty, charm, and spirituality
for its excellence..."
-- http://arnold.classicauthors.net/celtic/celtic5.html

For acuteness and valour, the Greeks,
For excessive pride, the Romans,
For dullness, the creeping Saxons;
For beauty and amorousness, the Gaedhils. -- old Irish poem

So here's my problem: Due to some regrettable accidents of history
I've lost the Gael! Please help! Everyone send me lots of money
so I can go back to Ireland and learn Gaelic. (And ride Irish
roads in my spare time).

Payment instructions are as follows:

Change all your money into small, unmarked bills. Stuff them into
your saddlebags and ride to Vancouver. Blast up and down Main Street
throwing small change into the air. This will make the Evening News
so as to get my attention and I'll show up on my Dnepr to collect.

Best Regards,

Sean Patrick Quinlan

Citizen of Canada

 

It's easy knowing you're one of us, you brazen twat.
Still, I hear Canada is nice. Ireland is completely fucked,
so nobody has any bills, unmarked or otherwise. Gloom
and despondancy stalk the land, even our politicians
hardly get any bribes anymore. We can't even afford to be
corrupt. We are waiting for an influx of generous Canadians
to rescue us.