Qantas Pilots, best and safest, because of good maintenance crews!

Off Topic some bit, but close)

~~~~After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe
sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The
mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and
then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it
be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual
maintenance complaints submitted by
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Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with
an S) by maintenance engineers.
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By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an
accident.
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 P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.   S: Almost
replaced left inside main tire.
 
 P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.   S: Auto-land
not installed on this aircraft.
 
 P: Something loose in cockpit.  S: Something tightened in cockpit.
 
 P: Dead bugs on windshield.   S: Live bugs on back-order.
 
 P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.   S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
 
 P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.   S: Evidence
removed.
 
 P: DME volume unbelievably loud.   S: DME volume set to more
believable level.
 
 P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.   S: That's
what they're for.
 
 P: IFF inoperative.   S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
 
 P: Suspected crack in windshield.   S: Suspect you're right.
 
 P: Number 3 engine missing.   S: Engine found on right wing after
brief search.
 
 P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)   S: Aircraft
warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
 
 P: Target radar hums.    S: Reprogrammed target radar with
lyrics.
 
 P: Mouse in cockpit.   S: Cat installed.
 
And the best one for last..................
 
 P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.   S: Took hammer away from
midget.
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