New PM numbers [long]

As keeper of the Petrol Muppet list I have awarded the following new
numbers.

PM#7

This goes to Robbo for running out whilst giving Jackie a pillion ride at
the EOSM last weekend. I understand they were both forced to push his divvy
900 for some distance to the petrol station.


PM#8

This goes to myself and there is a bit of story to this one...

Well as has been said in other postings my bike has rather a large petrol
tank and a normal range of about 280 miles (300 miles at a push). Therefore,
I rarely stop for petrol. On the French run this weekend I decided against
spending a night on a ferry and opted to go Dover to Calais and ride the 250
miles or so to the Hotel. I set off from my house about 140 miles into the
tank, rode down to Dover with CG Sean[1] and managed to catch an earlier
ferry than planned. It was a pleasant day and all was going well.

As we were getting off the ferry, Sean mentioned that he would need some
petrol within about 50 miles, so I thought we'd get out of Calais and get
some in one of those large service areas on the Autoroute. I'd also be able
to use the opportunity to get some Euros out of the cash machine. Well we
blasted down the Autoroute at about 100mph. Just as we passed through the
tolls my fuel light came on and I thought that we'd better stop within 30
miles or so. However, we seemed to have come upon the only long stretch of
Autoroute in France without any services and within 25 miles the beemer and
spluttered to a halt at only 240 miles. Evidently, I hadn't taken into
account that the fuel consumption markedly increases when travelling in
excess of legal speeds. It did occur to me that when word gets out about
this I'd struggle to live it down being PM KotL and having a large tank and
all.

All was not lost as Sean was riding with me and he pulled over as well. The
original plan was to drain a small amount of petrol out of Sean's tank into
a suitable receptacle and put it in my tank. However, as hard as we searched
for some bottle or can, we could not find a single piece of litter at the
side of the Autoroute. So it was decided that Sean would go up the road on
his bike, get a can of petrol and come back. Before Sean set off the
Autoroute maintenance van turned up and after asking what was wrong, the
driver allowed Sean to go and get the fuel as planned so long as he was no
more than 20 minutes. Anything longer and I assume they would have recovered
my bike and charged me a large fee for the privilege. So Sean set off and
the Autoroute man put some cones out to warn others of the bike and then
drove off.

30 minutes later and there was no sign of Sean. I rang him to see how he was
doing and he said "You're not going to believe this"
"What?"
"I've run out of petrol"
He told me he was about 2km from the services and intended to walk up to
them and get a can for himself.
In the meantime I rang BMW to see if I could get them to come out and was
told that they were not allowed to attend breakdowns on the Autoroutes as
these were dealt with by the managing company. So I was resigned to await
the return of the Autoroute maintenance man.

After a while I get a call from Sean. He's had some luck as when he began to
walk, a lorry driver picked him up and dropped him at the services. After
having some trouble locating a petrol can, he was now walking back to his
bike with a full can of petrol.

About an hour had passed, there was no word from Sean so I thought I'd give
him a call to see how he was doing. After about 20 rings the phone is
answered and I say "Sean, how are getting along".
He replies:"It's a bit of a disaster but I can't talk now I'll phone you
back in a while"
I start thinking what an earth has happened? Has someone hit his bike? Or
stolen it or what?

It later transpires that as he walked back and had almost reached his bike.
A police van stops, the door opens and he is told to get in. They then drive
off with him in the back without saying a word. He is convinced that he's
been arrested and is on his way to the police station. The van then pulls
back into the service area and he then thinks "Oh no they've misunderstood
and are bringing me to the petrol station" but all they were doing was
turning round. They drove him back down the motorway and around again to his
bike and then waited whilst he filled up his tank and set off again. I think
I must of phoned him at the point when they said to him: "If you break down
in France, you call a tow truck"

After that it was plain sailing. Sean rode back to the services, filled up
his bike and the petrol can then rode down to the next junction, came off
and paid his toll, came back on again, rode back past me, came off and paid
his toll, came back on again, stopped and emptied the can in to my tank,
rode up to the services with me where I filled the my tank and he topped up
his. I also filled the can up again just in case. Well to run out once might
be considered unfortunate. To have run out again would have without doubt
been worthy of a YTC number.

After a phone call to Ben Blaney to tell them to save some dinner, we set
off about 3.5 hours behind schedule to receive a warm UKRM reception when we
finally reached the hotel.


PM#9

CG Sean (see above for details)


That should really be the end of the story but I'm not sure it was. When I
returned from France this evening I rode through Customs as you do. When
going through customs I'm never sure what the etiquette is with regard to
the officers that stand at the side and look at you as you go through.
Assuming you are not smuggling anything, do you just ignore them? Do you
look away shiftily or do you make eye contact? Well I chose the later and
just as I had ridden past the officer and thought I'd got through, he
hastily called me back and diverted me off to the side bit where they do the
searches. After a load of rather basic questions like have you any ID? (It
just so happened that I had my passport), Are you aware it's illegal to
bring drugs and weapons into the UK? (Funnily enough, yes I was) Have you
got any then? (Err... No),we got onto the details of my trip

I found trying to explain that I'd been on a tour with about 30 other bikers
through something called UKRM on the internet but only three others were on
the boat quite difficult. They were looking for tickets or details of the
trip. All I could tell them was that the UKRM French Run wasn't the sort of
thing you booked up at Thomas Cook.

I suppose after a while they came to the conclusion that if he looks like an
innocent man, walks like and innocent man and talks like an innocent man
then he probably is. So they apologised for delaying me and sent me on my
way.

Now I've never been stopped in the past at Dover and not for about 15 years
anywhere by HM Customs so I started to think why had they stopped me on this
occasion? I first thought it was because I looked the officer in the eye and
if I were a smuggler I would want to appear innocent and that would be what
a smuggler would do hence this is what HM Customs look for. But if that were
the case why did he stop me so late after I had ridden past. I can only see
one explanation. It comes from a possible answer to the following question.

Why would a bike with a massive petrol tank have a petrol can bungeed to the
back seat?


1. A mate of mine who doesn't post but is known to many UKRMers for his long
distance CG125[2] trips who was actually on his CBR600 on this occasion.
2. MSOHP

 

I'm glad we didn't stop to see what was going on then, what with five
and a half thousand Marlboro stashed away.

--
| ___ Salad Dodger
|/ \ GL1500SEV/CBR1100XXX/KH500A8/TS250C/exTS185C
_/_____\_ ..58464../..13655.../..3157./.19406/.fecked.
|_\_____/_| IMC#4 TPPFATUICG#7 YTC#4 DIAABTCOD#9 PM#5
(>|_|_|<) BOTAFOT #70 two#11 Ignoramus #0001
|__|_|__| BOTAFOF #09 IbW#0 & KotIbW# OSOS#07
\ |^| / WG* BotTOS #6 GP#4 ANORAK#17
\|^|/ 2003 RBR landmarks:99 points:2100 miles:8000
'^'

 

They stopped me, and asked where I'd been, and whether I'd been alone.
I replied that there'd been about 30 of us, and then it dawned on me
that only four had made that particular boat.

I reckon Customs & Excise read ukrm and have been trying to see
exactly what ukrm-ers look like, whether they have horns and tails,
that kind of thing.

Incidentally, you *nearly* got a PM number too, eh? Eh? Of course, you
were on a 1200 Bandit, and they practically stamp PM numbers on the
crankcases of those things.

Aftermath of the Ducati - leccy start has behaved perfectly ever since
so feck knows what it was. The chain is *utterly* knackered after 9000
miles, and is flapping and rattling like like a Dale Winton skeleton.
Don't see any point in repalcing it with winte ron the way, so I'll do
it come the spring.

 

Could someone explain this analogy to me?

 

Champ said:

Did you not know that Dale Winton's body is 4 sizes too big for his
skeleton? He's a medical miracle.

 

We do but he wasn't on this trip. I am not sure this kind of name dropping
would have eased TOG's or my passage through customs. In fact I suspect any
mention of Stan and it would of been a long search culminating in 'touch
your toes time'.