My weekend adventure by Stephen Auvache aged 55 and a half nearly epic length.

We went Hovercrafing. Good it was.

It started on Friday when 3 carloads of very nice people left their
homes in Sunny Essex and ventured north of the Watford Gap in search of
adventure and romance and good beer. One out of three is a result I
suppose.

The journey itself was pretty uneventful, seeing us chugging along
motorways with the traffic praying fervently for three hours that it
would not actually come to a grinding halt again.

Although it has to be said that I did manage to break the tedium of the
journey up a little bit. See, I had the camera with me and with very
little prompting from my mates we went in search of mobile phone users.
I am happily disappointed to report that in best part of 400 miles of
motorway covered by us this weekend, between us, we only saw a dozen
using hand held mobiles, all bar one men. All, bar one HGV, were
driving cars and all bar two were driving in the lane reserved for
*really* ugly people.

Thanks guys and gal, I didn't actually get a clear shot of any of you
but it was entertaining.

The most amusing incident though had to have been the fat ugly blonde
who we caught digging out what was obviously a stringy one. She looked
like she had got some stuck on her finger and the rest still stuck up
her nose as the embarrassment hit. Good it was.

We ended up at this village place, Tibshelf it was called. Derbyshire I
think. What a little adventure that was, kin fabulous. A big house,
you could sleep 18 in beds, all oak beams and granite and open fires in
two of the living rooms and stuff like that. Ideal for a Cluedo weekend
sort of thing. Naturally we ended up running round that playing hide
and seek like little kids for half an hour.

Then to the serious matter of food. Generous portions, very good
prices, nice chips, good batter and fresh oil by the taste of it but
wasn't impressed with the actual fish.

Me and my mate Mick did have a venture into the local hostelry in search
of some sexual action but as they had **** all in the way of customers
none of whom actually looked like wimmin and piss week norvern keg beer
we left and waited for the others to come back with the grub. It seems
we had chosen the wrong end of the town for the crumpet as all three of
them were to be seen hanging round the bus shelter by the chip shop.

We spent the rest of the evening getting legless or out of our skulls
according to personal preference. Mick and I went for the double barrel
approach, obviously, just to make sure like.

Our ventures up the high street weren't totally wasted though. We did
learn of a number of unusual local customs and some of the language.
Fr'instance: we had got these open fires and no central heating and with
us used to the temperature being a couple of degrees warmer the kids
were moaning a bit. I figured that, what with them being mostly under
35 and never even seen a fire in a grate before, it would be a bit of an
adventure for them to get a sack of smokeless nuts and a bag of kindling
from the garage.

They don't sell kindling round there, apparently. They sell bags of
"sticks", which looked suspiciously to me like 8 inch lumps sawn from
planks of planed 2*1. Nor, it would seem, do they sell regular skins.
the only thing on offer were blue or silver king size and 20p cheaper
than I can buy them round here. So we bought 2 dozen packets, which
raised an eyebrow.

Saturday dawned and we all, except Big Dave who is a lanky veggie hippy
type (something in their jeans?), eat loads of bacon sandwiches and went
south in search of the A5 and this Hovercrafing place.

50HP 150kilos thereabouts. Top speed, say about 30 on a straight run.
It was fucking ace.

I have some of it on video and it says it all that I managed to capture
nothing but pictures of happy smiling faces. Sadly the cameraman for my
piloting stint isn't as professional as me and didn't get the shot of me
breaking the hovercraft when I went through rather than round the
barrel. According to him, he was still pissing himself from when I went
head first over the side into the nettles on the lap previous. We have
got that one on camera though and it *will* be going to Kirsty.

Best crash award goes to Mick though by a country mile. Came down the
hill and onto the pond flat out and completely forgot to turn. He got
halfway over the island but even hovercraft can't climb untended brush.
You could genuinely see daylight between him and his machine as they
went their separate ways.

Happy bunnies we went home and had our barbie.

Sunday we went to Matlock Bath. Loadsa bikes, posers on cruisers
mostly. I am assuming that there was some bike related event going on
in the area as, for the life of me, I can't see the fun in riding a
cruiser through a traffic jam on a Sunday afternoon.

Abraham Heights was a rather expensive disappointment. It was good
exercise and we learnt some things we didn't know but I have seen that
sort of thing done much better by foreigners.

Also a bit of a disappointment was the river. All right I can see the
point that having to walk round in a neoprene tutu and have old gits
laugh and point at you might be an issue but all told we spent an hour
or so walking up and down the riverside and we didn't actually see one
canoe in the water. Now, it is our fucking lottery money what pays for
this, we want to see it being used if you don't mind.

Came home today.

All in all a top weekend. I do recommend the hovercraft.

 

So why the hell are you lot going on about pension top ups ffs?

 

porl wrote

Who is going on about pension tops ups. Not me, I won't need any of
that shite. I'll be a supplementary benefit case me, no fucking
financial worries in me old age matey.

 

classic overlash.

 

If I was that woman, disgusting as it may have been, I'd have had to
have eaten it, just because you were watching.

You never made firelighters out of newspapers in a zigzaggy pattern, a
bit like Chrimbo deccies for gypos?

When I was a kid, one of my Dad's mates used to have a hovercraft in his
garage. Every now and again, he'd get it out a ride it round the close.

 

Whinging Courier wrote

Sonny, I have stoked more fires than you have had hot dinners. It was
my job as a lad to clean out the grate in the mornings and lay up a new
fire. I didn't mind making the fire at all really, it was the cleaning
up bit that I objected to.

 

You might be old, Grandad, but I didn't always live with central heating
either.

 

Did it pebble dash the neighbours cars?

 

Rope wrote

Don't be silly, this is me we are talking about.

M1 south to junction low twenties. Another motorway? Big road anyway.
Junction One of that turn left onto what looked, to Essex eyes, just
like a B road and 200 hundred yards up on the right. About 50 minutes
it took.

 

About 50 miles

 

A.Lee wrote

That's the Badger. World Championships or something.

His name is Jeremy as it goes. The geezer what runs it that is. He
used to race himself apparently but found out the year before last that
he had got old and hadn't got the bottle to go mano-a-mano for the gap
with three other lunatics on tea trays with 150 horses blowing out the
back and *no* brakes.

 

Did they i can't recall having heard about that in the Hinckley/Burbage
area. Where abouts?

 

Whinging Courier wrote

I don't now. What used to be my central heating is now a large black
stain in the bathroom.

 

G-Unit wrote

 

Snip jolly adventures.

It was my birthday last week and I'm older than you so there!

 

Mick Whittingham wrote

I am quite happy not to be the oldest man on the planet.

Don't forget, the next time you go to merkiania; they give discount to
"Senior Citizens" and for them Senior starts at 55. I was 51 and I lied
about my age and got away with it. Good innit.

 

I went to eat at The Barn in Terrington St John a while back (behind The
Wool Pack) and when I came to pay for a superb lunch time dinner the
very young waitress said " Senior Citizen, that will be £6". I thought
about it, swallowed my pride and paid up the £6. That made the meal
about half price

 

Mick Whittingham wrote

 

On Mon, 20 Sep 2004 17:34:28 +0100, steve auvache


snip

snip

Excellerate, never brake...
--
O
1 Black, shortly to undergo extensive surgery.
1 Red, undergoing lightweight surgery. -----
1 Blue, for Power-Ranger baiting. | o |
Numbers ... | o |
Stuff ... | ooo |
Life ... -----

 

Might just get on the bike go take a look. Always fancied a crack at a
hovercraft.