Long , ... but worth reading

Unpublished Letters to the editor:



Hats off to the England cricketers for their achievements in the Ashes
this summer, which rightly earned Andrew 'Freddie' Flintoff BBC Sports
personality of the Year. Winning a two-team tournament against a nation
with a much smaller population once in every ten attempts, then never
shutting up about it makes me proud to be British. Ben Hunt



The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of
heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living
too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish
they'd make their minds up. John



'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says.
Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30. Colum Hill



I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a
mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail loose
around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I
would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme.
She was sent by DHL next day delivery. L Palmer, London



The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD
pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make
from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they
stop breaking the law, so will I. P Boddington, Ringway



Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just
like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's
m!nge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh? P, Leeds



It really annoys me to see these suicide bombers blowing up people as
well as themselves. In my day, suicide was done in a more dignified way,
such as slicing your wrists in the bath, or hanging yourself from a door
with a belt. Paul Mulraney, Belfast



On holiday a few years back, I took part in a quiz and managed to reach
the final only to lose out after what I consider to this day, to be a
correct answer. The question asked 'What 'C' would you associate Jeremy
Clarkson with?' to which I confidently replied '<unt'. Not only was I
told the answer was incorrect, but I was asked by the holiday rep to
leave the premises immediately. Has anyone else experienced such
appalling treatment whilst holidaying with one's family? Noel, Leeds



My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board
cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to
make than this? Alun Daniel



I'LL never understand my neighbour. He has recently started
wheel-clamping his own caravan when he finds he has inadvertently parked
it in his own drive! I wonder if he is a sadist, a masochist or both.
Alan Thakray



Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson's remake of the classic Life of
Brian wasn't anywhere near as funny as the original?



On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in
Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've
obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road.
Alan J., London



Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's
Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits climbing
into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some
faster cars. T Barnham, London



Could the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris
patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on muslim cleric
Abu Hamsa. Les Barnsley



How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million
selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's
football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law
for the rich and another for the poor. Reg Ashcroft, Bradford



The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in
Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just
me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the
poor sods? John Campbell, e-mail



Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What
about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about
galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius. Mike
Woods, e-mail



With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces soldiers
try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a couple of
Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the tw*t quickly enough the last
time he played hide and seek with them. Shuggie, Email



Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with
the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I
hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid
sense of humour. Chris Scaife, Jesmond



I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David
Kelly took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but
isn't this taking gloating just a little too far? Dave Owen, Edinburgh



I was extremely saddened to hear of Richard Whiteley's recent death. But
I was cheered to imagine his life support machine making the famous
Countdown "da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da! Booooooo!" sound as he took his
final breaths. Tripod



I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My dad is
Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs.
Stan



What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the
world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that. Thomas J

 

What did it say? I didn't get past the second line.
Why didn't you just post a link what I then couldn't have been bothered
to click.

 

What the Cloggie said - but in English.

Fucking cut and paste cunts.

 

Because the post I copied it from didn't have a link

This is why I used the word "Long" in the subject line in order that
most people would realise that it wasn't going to be short

 

Oi, made perfect sense to me.

 

I thought they were all quite good. Why the others reckon clicking on a
link, waiting for the browser to open and the page to load when they've
already downloaded it in plain text is beyond me.

 

In uk.rec.motorcycles, raden belched forth and ejected the following:

ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz......

 

There's a reason - they're not funny and they're dull.

It looked like a load of private eye style "letters". I read a couple,
but then noticed the rain outside was both more interesting and funnier.

 

Duh. You dunce. Post a link *instead* of the text.
Go and stand in the corner with this pointy hat on.

 

Unlike your replies to date?

 

The word you seek is succinct

 

What, someone's actually reading past the first two lines ?

 

The message <>

Bit of a mouthful that? Gob-stoppers, yes, but...

 

Yeah, I got that bit. There is the possiblity that the OP received it via
email in the first place. Therefore a link would have been more trouble than
it's worth. This sort of stuff is the sort that gets emailed about the
place.

 

As I said two days ago ...

">What did it say? I didn't get past the second line.

Because the post I copied it from didn't have a link

This is why I used the word "Long" in the subject line in order that
most people would realise that it wasn't going to be short"

 

Nnngggg! Where the **** do you think the original emailer got it from?
A website maybe? Or do you think he sat and typed it in, including the
"!" in "m!nge" and the "<" in "<unt".
Yes, you made me read it. Well, some of it.

Oh, look what I've found:
http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2006/viz-letters-2006-p1.php

You should have put "long and not really very funny".

 

Little secret ... I really don't give a toss

What I stood over you with a gun to your head ?

Very good -yawn

You must be a happy bunny having hunted down the URL of a posting you
don't want to read. A whole 10 minutes of purpose in your life.

Err ...

no

 

You're quite right. You shouldn't have troubled yourself to cut and
paste the unfunny stream of shite in the first place. Fuckwit.

 

It's your choice not to read it
stop making such an issue out of a non-event

 

Butbutbut ... you opined it was worth reading.

The only non-event was your cut and pasted abortion of a post.