Karma sucks.

You know when you get an email from a friend telling you how they've
dropped their bike in a low speed car park incident, and you sit there
alternating between concerned sympathy and smug pisstaking in your
reply, but finishing with a definite 'clumsy ****' comment?

You do? Oh good.

What I didn't realise, is that the karma fairies who've been looking
after me for so long, might take exception to my pisstaking.

So, I went for a blast to a Tesco cashpoint at lunchtime, popping some
lovely wheelies on the way, natch. As I approached the big
traffic-free, light controlled junction, I decided that the red light
in front of me might be daring me to squeeze up a nice stoppie.

You'll note that the light wasn't daring me to do a small stoppie, or
to take my relative inexperience in this maneuver into account. It was
demanding a balls out, show off to all the waiting car drivers and
McDonalds drive thru customers, /waaay/ out of my league stoppie.

I capitulated. The back end came up really nicely, and was just
floating along behind me, when I finally noticed the karma fairy sat on
the front brake reservoir. He grinned at me, and raised a pointy finger
toward the red light we were about to pass. From about this point, I
just knew it wasn't going to end well.

I applied as much brake as I could to try and stop the bike ploughing
through the crossroads, and as the back end rose, and rose higher, I
could hear that fucking fairy cackling with glee at my cockup.

Fortunately, the lights were red on all sides as I gracefully unicycled
into the middle of the junction.
Unfortunately, the karma fairy decided against letting me off with a
stern warning. At the last moment he leaned over and gave an extra tug
on the brake lever, then leaped to the left side of the bike.

The little bastard knew exactly what he was doing (unlike me), and I
could only sit there, shitting myself with fear, as the back end swung
up and round to the left.

<slow mo>
The words of Veggie Dave ran through my head...

"You /will/ crash."

Then came memories of safety nazis...

"All the gear, all the time,"

Then instinct had a go...

"Abort, abort, eject, whatever, just get the **** away from this lump
of metal!"

Finally, I settled for bravado. I've seen Mr.Rothwell and his ilk
perform shit like this no end of times, and if they can do it, there
seemed to be a chance that I may get lucky. Decision made.

</slow mo>

I pushed the bike down to the right, so that as the rear came down
sideways it would have to expend some energy getting itself upright
before it could flip me on down the road.

It wasn't quite enough.

I managed to stay with the bike and get a leg under it before it came
to ground, but was left lying in the middle of a major road junction,
with a bike on top of me, and a stream of cars waiting for me to get
the **** out of their way. Much as I'd like to have pissed off into the
distance sharpish, I was unable to due to the large amounts of mirth I
was suffering. I eventually got up and pushed the bike to the side of
the road, where I sat for the next ten minutes in fits of laughter.

Eventually, I remounted, got my cash, and rode back to work.

Still laughing.

I think I'll stick to wheelies for a while.

I've taken the fairy captive, and when GPZ surfaces, I'm gonna stick it
right up his tailpipe.

 

After your previous tale of derring doo and lucky escape I predict you
are heading for a substantial fall. These things come in 3's after all.

 

Which is the correct response to the situation.

You have also learnt a very good lesson, too. With a decent stoppie you
don't actually slow down anywhere near as quickly as you do with both
wheels on the floor, even if you are still only using the front brake.

I feel, however, that stopping performing stoppies because of one highly
amusing ****-up is an unacceptable reason for the cessation of the
activity.

--
Veggie Dave
UKRMHRC#2 BOTAFOF#08
IQ 18 FILMS http://www.iq18films.com
IQ 18 RADIO http://www.iq18films.co.uk
Toxic Shock Syndrome Gets More Girls Than Me

 

Thankyou Mystic Hog.

I have no doubt that Veggie was telling the truth, and I accept that if
I dick around, I'm eventually gonna get it wrong and be hurt.

I will try to calm down a little for a short time.

 

Sod that. Keep trying, but video it so we can all have a laugh.

 

At least I got that bit right then.

Oh yes, and the instinct to grab more brake works against you too. Next
time I'll let go of the brake, drop the rear end, and re-apply the
brakes.

Indeed. Who would suggest such a thing?

 

See, for a minute there, I almost took that as encouragement.

 

Ding, the correct response is to do exactly the opposite of what your
instinct tells you to do.

--
Veggie Dave
UKRMHRC#2 BOTAFOF#08
IQ 18 FILMS http://www.iq18films.com
IQ 18 RADIO http://www.iq18films.co.uk
Toxic Shock Syndrome Gets More Girls Than Me

 

Using the patented Mavis Beacon "Hunt&Peck" Technique, Veggie Dave

"Must... not... drop... bike..."

--
Wicked Uncle Nigel - Podium Placed Ducati Race Engineer as featured in
Performance Bikes and Fast Bikes

WS* GHPOTHUF#24 APOSTLE#14 DLC#1 COFF#20 BOTAFOT#150 HYPO#0(KoTL) IbW#41
SBS#39 OMF#6 Enfield 500 Curry House Racer "The Basmati Rice Burner",
Honda GL1000K2 (On its hols) Kawasaki ZN1300 Voyager "Oh, Oh, It's so big"
Suzuki TS250 "The Africa Single" Yamaha Vmax Honda ST1100 wiv trailer

 

<commutes home>

Erm, hi again.

See that nice reply I wrote up there^^...well, it just so happens that
I deleted the paragraph about how I don't believe in all that 'old
woman', superstitious mumbo-jumbo, and make my own luck.

Ahem...

Would it suffice to say I'm now a believer?

 

Well, that's always preferably, but like the cliché says, 'If you can't
do the time, don't do the crime.'

--
Veggie Dave
UKRMHRC#2 BOTAFOF#08
IQ 18 FILMS http://www.iq18films.com
IQ 18 RADIO http://www.iq18films.co.uk
Toxic Shock Syndrome Gets More Girls Than Me

 

The only way now to prevent a crash is to strap a variety of cameras at
strategic points on the bike with automatic video recording.

 

Heh, glad I didn't have a drink in my hand.

 

After finishing laughing my cock off I just like to say (At the
probable expense of the karma fairy coming back my way)

YOU CLUMSY ****

 

Ah
I was actually thinking you came along after Ace and made 3

 

I see. What you're saying, is that the fiesta woman with the recently
modelled fireblade-shaped dent in her front wing doesn't count toward
this 'happen in 3's' thing, and I must royally **** myself right up in
a spectacular manner to fulfill your happy prophecy.


****, but you're a ray of sunshine in an otherwise hilarious day.

Can I pass?

<spooky voice>
"The power of three compels you."
</sv>

Oh go on then.

 

No apology then?

 

You're right I should. I'm very sorry for ringing you just to laugh ;-)
Just remember, battle scars are cool.