In case of sonic^H terrorist attack (long, oh yes).

Citizens of ukrm,

As you know the world in which we live has altered radically since the
terrible events of September 11th 2001. Even here, in this virtual world,
we can no longer escape the cold breath of terrorists.

I am sad to say that ukrm has been remiss in its efforts to counter
terrorism and thus, as undisputed uberboss of this group[1], I am henceforth
announcing changes to the group charter to ensure that ukrm leads not just
Usenet, but the whole Internet in counter-terrorism measures.

I know some of the more liberal among you[3] may find the following
restrictions undesirable, but we must take the nettle by both horns in our
efforts to stamp out the cloud of terror around our heads.

The question we've all been asking ourselves since the WTC attack is, "Could
a ukrm thread be hijacked and used to cause such destruction?". To date we
have been lucky, but we can not rely upon that luck to last forever.

Hence the first measure I am making is a positive step to prevent thread
hijack. From this point forward all posters will be denied access to a
thread if they are in possession of any of the following:
Sharp retorts.
Cutting remarks.
Rapier-like wit.
Barbed comments.
Double-barrelled surnames.
Anybody found possessing any of the above, either while attempting to join a
thread or once partaking in the thread, will be assumed to be a violent
terrorist and will be dealt with in a manner that allows for swift justice
whilst ensuring the safety of jury members, judges and legal professionals
by protecting them from retaliation that they may face from terrorist
organisations[4].

We will also be limiting access to threads for all posters. For threads
which are entirely internal to ukrm it will be sufficient for a poster to be
vouched for by a clique member. However, for threads which will be
cross-posted to other groups a full "Usenet Passport" will be required.

In order to obtain such a passport the prospective poster will have to meet,
in person, with a clique member and provide photographs, DNA samples, one of
their irises (unfortunately we haven't got the technology to scan them yet),
irrefutable proof that they are not a terrorist, a valid reason for
cross-posting, a statement of their intent to end a cross-posted thread
before it descends in to a 306a, 306b or requires that Goodwin's law to be
invoked and proof of financial backing[5].

I look forward to working closely with all members of the clique on these
matters; they will be essential to allow the continued free discourse of
ukrm to continue through these difficult times.

With the increasing importance of the clique and it's vital role it is
inevitable that the clique themselves will become targets for terrorist
activity. This is obviously unacceptable, so to address this issue the
charter will now prohibit certain actions relating to the clique.
Specifically, the following are all prohibited:
Speculating that a clique exists.
Suggesting that any individual may belong to the clique.
Providing any personal details (including name) relating to a clique
member in any post.
Attempting to contact a clique member.
Asking anybody on the group to perform a function associated with clique
members.
These restrictions will apply to all posters, including clique members.

Obviously all of this talk of terrorist activity will have raised two
important questions in the minds of all right thinking ukrmers[6].

Q. What should I do if I suspect a thread has been hijacked in ukrm or that
there is other terrorist activity in the group?
A. IMMEDIATELY turn off your PC at the mains. DO NOT stop to save personal
data. DO NOT rely upon standard OS shut-down routines, as these can be
compromised. Once your PC is turned off you should draw the curtains of the
room you are in and cower in the middle of the floor with your hands over
your head and your head to the floor. If there are other people in your
household or networked machines you should either run screaming through the
house and bash the living shit out of your fuse-box or scream until one of
the other people comes to your assistance and asks you why the **** you are
cowering in the middle of the floor with your arse in the air.

Q. What if I am already involved in a thread which is hijacked?
A. At this stage you must make the assumption that the terrorists have
hijacked the thread with a view to crashing it, catastrophically, possibly
into another group. It is therefore your duty to attempt to fight the
hijackers. Obviously this will be difficult, given that before joining the
thread you will have been rigorously checked for any weapons which would
allow you to do so. At present it is suggested that you, and all other
participants on the thread, attack the hijackers with feeble insults in the
hope that eventually they will simply die from the exhaustion of gunning you
down. In the future legislation may be introduced to allow "thread
sheriffs" to take part in threads and arm them with insults that can be used
to stun hijackers without causing damage to the structure of the thread.

Hopefully these measures alone will be enough to protect ukrm, but in case
they aren't my final action is to add the emergency situations policy to the
charter for the group.

While this policy may seem wide-reaching, ill-defined and dangerous it is
the only reliable defence we have against, for example, a sustained campaign
of dirty bombs[7].

The exact powers are secret, for security reasons, but if intelligence is
gathered that suggests that my position as uberboss may be threatened, I may
ask individuals or groups of you to do any or all of the following:

1. To join or abstain from certain threads, or to mark as ignore certain
threads.
2. To kill-file named individuals, or, if necessary, whole ISPs.
3. To lend/give me money or property.
4. To submit to a good kicking from person(s) of my choosing.
5. To only post within certain time limits.
6. To limit the size of your postings.
7. To read all of my posts and follow-up with "LOL" comments.

However, this is not a carte blanche for me to become a dictator. While the
orders I give in these situations my note seem to have any obvious /
rational basis I am fully accountable to a body of people who can not be
named for security reasons.

The following restrictions also apply:

1. I will lift the state of emergency in 30 days or less, unless I have a
good reason not to.
2. Nobody will, under any circumstances, be ordered to remove sir.tony or
Des from their kill-files.
3. There will be no more than 2 restrictions.

Thank you for all of your support in this matter and I am deeply sorry that
I have to impose such measures on our freedom-loving society. I solemnly
promise that as soon as there are no more terrorists in the world these
restrictions will be lifted and that, in ten years time, they'll seem
positively mild compared to the shit you'll be being fed by then.

Remember, stay alert for anybody who could be intent on destroying our way
of life - we can't let that happen!

[1] I said I was[2] and nobody disputed the issue.
[2] Really quietly, just before I posted this.
[3] Glares at Hog.
[4] i.e. the terrorist will be quietly lynched, without involving jury
members, judges or any legal professionals.
[5] 50 notes should be enough, depending on which clique member you're
talking to.
[6] Glares at sir.tony.
[7] Where multiple posts are made to the group saying dirty things about
me, i.e. "AndrewR has sexual fantasies about lying under a glass-topped
coffee table whilst Ginge shits on top of it."

--
AndrewR, D.Bot (Celeritas)
Kawasaki ZX-6R J1
BOTAFOT#2,ITJWTFO#6,UKRMRM#1/13a,MCT#1,DFV#2,SKoGA#0 (and KotL)
BotToS#5,SBS#25,IbW#34, TEAR#3 (and KotL), DS#5, Keeper of the TFSTR#
The speccy Geordie twat.

 

LOL! - A welcome return to form Andy!

I was beginning to think Flashgorman had stolen your
'creatively-funny-yet-ever-so-slightly-mad' crown.

 

You too, huh?

 

<snip>

LOL

I'll give you a hand oh Holy One: www.gimmemoney.mine.nu

 

On Thu, 8 Jan 2004 23:12:01 -0000, "AndrewR"

LOL

oh, sorrry

Well, do you?

--
Catman MIB#14 SKoGA#6 TEAR#4 BOTAFOF#38 Apostle#21
Tyger, Tyger Burning Bright (Remove rust to reply)
Alfa 116 Giulietta 3.0l. Really, Sprint 1.7
Triumph Speed Triple: Black with extra black bits
www.cuore-sportivo.co.uk

 

It all ends here, buried, dead.

Please let it be, I don't want to get all vengeful.

It's not my style.

 

Absolute fuckin class !
I love this place, even as an irregular poster it gets me through the shitty
IT job every day.

So, where do I send the small envelope of unidentified white powder to ?

Cheerz - Brownz
(Ex F1/F2 Sidecar Mechanic & occaisional passenger (Sorry, fat beer swilling
pie eating bastard)).

 

Ginge said...

His secret's out, and he aint happy about it

 

You twat.

Next time you ask I'm not shitting in your mouth.

 

Ginge said...

You always missed anyway, and you were slow about it too.

 

I was trying to prolong your joy.

 

< snip >

Have you been at my stash?

 

< snip with blunt object>

I have a question.

What if I want to take the piss during a thread - can I still stand in
the queue?

Oh and thanks for the imagery-just what I need to settle me down for a
good nights sleep, still at least you had the decency to table the
motion.

 

He's been at something.

Can you nip round there ... <checks time> ... about now ... and stick
a bat up his nightie? He'd feel so much better about himself
tomorrow.

 

[Snip of biblical proportions]

Ho yus dude, that was way too long, I'd have far rather read the lyric of
Sonic Attack.
But then I'm pissed...

**** it... I'm pissed... I'm sat in a room with two perfectly functional CD
players, with a couple more next door, and have still got half a bottle of
decent Italian plonk to go... so bohlarks to reading the lyrics... I might
even play the damned track (no actually I won't I'll play the CD in the
player cos I'm lazy and it's cool, being Throwing Copper by Live).

Enjoy

ZK

 

No, but I'm free this evening.


--
AndrewR, D.Bot (Celeritas)
Kawasaki ZX-6R J1
BOTAFOT#2,ITJWTFO#6,UKRMRM#1/13a,MCT#1,DFV#2,SKoGA#0 (and KotL)
BotToS#5,SBS#25,IbW#34, TEAR#3 (and KotL), DS#5, Keeper of the TFSTR#
The speccy Geordie twat.

 

<snip>

Doffs cap ;o)

 

I'm not sure I could deal with the consequences.

 

No change there.

*ding*!

 

<snippety snip>

.... and I thought I was going to have a dull Friday afternoon.