From the eye of a fly on the wall.

and once or twice in the soup.

A team ukrm race report by your independant[1] observer.


I got there at the crack of opening time and found them already setting
up and rehearsing pit routines and fettling the bike. Despite being
threatened with "a damn good roping in," if necessary, I hadn't got much
to do apart from stand and watch. So, in the best traditions of ukrm, I
hung with the crumpet on the pit wall. As it turned out that I was on
or around the pit wall for most[2] of it, including free and official
practice.


From the start it was obvious that it wasn't going to be a
straightforward day, for the whole team. First race of the season, a
damp greasy track and uncertain weather conditions, a new bike, a new
rider, new pit equipment. Everybody was well aware that there was many
a potential unscripted adventure waiting to happen if it wanted.


They were serious about what they were doing though, no doubt about it.
From my vantage point I could easily see into a couple of pits either
side and make comparison. It turns out that they were all serious, not
just our boys and girl. They were all intent on having fun but they
were serious about it.


Practice came and went while I listened and watched and everybody went
about their allotted tasks. Interesting that. I got the definite
impression from all of them that they thought they were slow. If they
think that is slow then they should be grateful they didn't have me
riding for them then, it looked kin quick enough to me.


The time for the race proper came, the flag duly dropped and James
started his contribution to making the bike go round and round and round
and round and round once every consistently quickening two minutes give
or take for the next 6 hours.


The race progressed.


All of a sudden the pace car goes out. Amazing sight it is. *Every*
member of *every* team hits the pit wall until their bike is *seen* to
go past and then they all wander back to whatever they were doing as
soon as it does. Ours goes by and I resume my task of taking it all in.

It is hard not to feel a little sympathy for the group of worried
looking people from half a dozen garages down who were still on the
wall. Hey ho.


The pace car comes back in. We get back to shouting words encouragement
to James every two minutes. Half a dozen repetitions of "faster you
slow **** faster" and in the distant haze some bloke hoves into view
pushing three quarters of a racing motor bike over the top of Deer Leap
the old fashioned way. The last time I did anything remotely like that
I got nasty pains in my chest. Nutters they may be but you have to
admire their unstinting dedication to The Cause.


James's allotted hour passes and he comes in for a pit stop and rider
change. 10 minutes later and Champs had binned it. Game over.


Well actually, no.


The marshals deliver the bits of bike back to the pits and the menfolk
of Team-ukrm start the process putting enough of it back together that
it can get out again. Meanwhile the wimmin went down the medical centre
to tell Champs to stop being such a big girls blouse and hurry up back
and finish his stint.


Champs is apparently broken in places important to riding a bike. Oh
right, "ALEX!!"


He goes out, settles down for four or five astonishingly competitive
laps prematurely forced back in with a sick bike. Understandably, he
was not a 'appy bunny. Although I am given to understand that the
handful of completed laps was enough to let him throw away his baby's
bib. Congratulations on your promotion dude.


Now it is game over.


They didn't get everything they wanted from it but they are eager to
learn from what they did get, which is good.


Well done chaps and chapess.



[1] Actually I am not anymore. I was at the time but, in the mistaken
belief I was paying for Pip /not/ to have a haircut, I put some money in
the pot and now I am and for my sponsorship logo I want you keep some
gaffer tape on the bike where I can fucking see it and I urge all other
ukrm based sponsors to insist on the same.


[2]Naturally, I was out the back of the pits having a smoke with the
camera turned off when The Tart binned it in full view at the end of the
pit straight[3]. Your fucking timing is appalling Champion.


[3] I am leaning against the van having a draw and drooling over Adie's
arse and this strange thing started happening. It was like a Mexican
wave. Not a hand waving wave but a noise wave of, "Oh **** me, that is
two of them down together at /nameofbend/, is it ours?" Followed by the
sight of the back of *everybody* as they all hoofed it towards the pit
wall. Honest to god it was a wave, it started at garage #1 and as quick
as you like worked its way down. Within two seconds the entire pit and
rear of pit area had disappeared through the garages into pit lane.
Instant ghost town.

 

I dont think you were cos I was in the bar at the time.

--
Adie
(replace spam with nickname to reply)

Triumph 955iSS / GSF600 bandit
MRO#11 BOTAFOF#7 BOTAFOT#130 DIAABTCOD#17 MIB#24 YTC#16 BOB#15 ex-UKRMMA#22

 

Adrienne M Jenn wrote

Ok I'll come clean about it.

I claim artistic license. The telling of the tale should always aim to
show the humanity within the tragedy. The impact of great events on the
little man, that sort of thing. I have been reading books and stuff
about it.


All right, I'll give you that Champs getting a little bit broken is
hardly a tragedy, except perhaps for the rest of mankind who have to
stand by and watch womankind fawning all over him, but it fucked team-
ukrm's day big time so I felt it could do with lightening up a bit.


The truth is, I honestly couldn't remember what I was doing.

Nevertheless, that few seconds is an integral part of the tale so I had
to make it believable. I also know full well that, to a man, this lot
would believe absolutely I was out the back admiring your arse if I told
them that, so that is what I told them.


I apologise if it causes offence. Not the looking at your arse bit, I
make no apologies for that or, for that matter, looking at any other eye
catching bits you have.


What I do remember though was seeing Suze coming in the other direction
to the rest of them and showing every sign of looking very stressed.
Although I did find out later that she missed timing his lap or
something so it may well have been to do with that and nothing to do
with the fall and I got the wrong take on it.

 

Using the patented Mavis Beacon "Hunt&Peck" Technique, Adrienne M Jenn

Adie, I realise you'll find this disturbing, and I apologise for that in
advance.

ITYF that your arse doesn't actually have to be physically present for
Auvache to drool over it...

 

A very strange phenomenon was noticed on the Sunday morning. While
admiring Adie's none-more black Daytona, glistening after the early
morning showers, it was plainly visible that the seat - specifically
the part of it which supports that finest of derrieres - was unsullied
by the rain. Make of that what you will.

 

Darren Robinson says...

Sponge-pants Adie-bobs

--
Lozzo : The anti-Timo
YZF1000R, GPZ500S, CB250RS x3
BOTAFOT#57/70a, BOTAFOF#57, MIB#22, TCP#7,
ANORAK#9, DIAABTCOD#14, UKRMT5BB, IBW#013, MIRTTH#15a/16,
BotToS#8, GP#2, SBS#10, SH#3, DFV#14, BONY#9.
Url for ukrm newbies : http://www.ukrm.net/faq/ukrmscbt.html
http://www.glfuk.com/ for MJK Leathers in the UK.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

 

Dr Ivan D. Reid wrote

Actually it is something that never ceases to amaze me. This was the
first time I have done it with motorbikes but I have been pit side with
a variety of other mechanically driven beasties and in some respects it
is all very much the same. An astonishing amount of attention is paid
to matters of personal safety until someone gets hurt and then every
**** rushes blindly to help.

 

that'll be the polish I used last weekend then.

--
Adie
(replace spam with nickname to reply)

Triumph 955iSS / GSF600 bandit
MRO#11 BOTAFOF#7 BOTAFOT#130 DIAABTCOD#17 MIB#24 YTC#16 BOB#15 ex-UKRMMA#22

 

Using the patented Mavis Beacon "Hunt&Peck" Technique, Adrienne M Jenn

You polished your arse before BOSM?

That's dedication to your fans that is. Respect.

 

[snip]

<LOL!>

Quality write-up, Mr.Auvache!

Thanks for the help; quality use of gaffer-tape, mate.

--
| Wik -UKRMHRC#10- 2003 R1150GSA -DC#1 -'FOT#0 'FOF #39 - BOD#12 BOB#12
|# You don't believe me | "Experience is the worst teacher.
|That the scenery | It always gives the test first
|Could be a cold-blooded killer. | and the instruction afterward."
***** human response from wik at blueyonder dot co dot uk *****

 

Wik wrote

I'd rather not have done, iykwim.

<chuffed>

Was it? Really?

That was the first ever time I have done that.

I have taken a lump hammer to minis and anglias in the pits when I were
a lad. We didn't have plastic bodywork and gaffer tape in those days.
Bear fat, beeswax and linen petticoats from the parasol pretties then it
was. Carbon fibre pah, you kids dunno what you are missing.