At least the first one is on topic

1) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new mini-bike. Then I
realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him
to forgive me.

2) My mum was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten
years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go
swimming.

4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on
with my real ladder.

5) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered
French Toast during the Renaissance.

6) I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one
day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones
but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks
and stones all the way.

7) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why
he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

8) Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you'd
better have a good hand.

9) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said
'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'

10) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made of meat?

11) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give
the wrong answers.

12) You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.

 

Marty H wrote:
<plagiarism snipped>

Ahh, yes. Is Peter Kay the new Henny Youngman?

More of his insights...

1) Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to
the core of the earth?

3) Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

4) Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bum?

5) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is
stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?

6) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

7) Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
centuries' have a 'use by' date?

8) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?

9) Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

10) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes?

Moike

 

shit Moike...if I knew who it was I would have credited him

geeeeeeeeeeeesus!!


mh

 

Geesus wrote them?

 

guy a work reakons they are steve wright sayings?

mh

 

Nah... Elliot Goblet.

Nev..
'03 ZX12R

 

What I was gonna say.
When i first strated reading them My eyes took on a mad stare and I
reverted into a monotone.
I'd like to move the pace on now.